Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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