My liver just broke up with me...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
