Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize