Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
