She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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