hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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