4 words: hood of his car
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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