the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
