Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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