dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
