is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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