She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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