The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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