I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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