i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
