This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
