Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
