i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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