me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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