Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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