haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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