we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
