just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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