Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize