We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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