i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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