thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
