she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
