but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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