i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
