I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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