she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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