I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
