I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
