she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i will never coherently bang her
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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