Your dad touched me again.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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