he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
