Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
