NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
