He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
