I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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