my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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