It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
