grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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