I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
