So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
