i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
