If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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