he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
