Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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