Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
