I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
