Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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