i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
