No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize