the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
